“Hey Mister”

Some people are born to be great storytellers, I’m not. Much like jokes, I can’t remember the details to make the punch line work. That makes the following events even more remarkable, because the events not only happened, but happened to me. Here is my best attempt at faithfully repeating the story.

We were on our way to Kiawah Island for the Kiawah Half Marathon. We being myself, Gerri and our friends Robin and Eric. The trip to Kiawah down Interstate 26 required the obligatory stop at a rest area to take care of business. Not sure why they are called rest areas, does anyone really stop to rest?

I went into the Men’s Room, turned the corner and found three urinals. The far left urinal was taken by an older gentleman, and the far right urinal by a little boy. According to “the urinal game”, the man and boy had assumed the proper positions based upon a three urinal configuration. Of course, this left no choice but for me to choose the center urinal.

As I stood there taking care of business, the little boy said “Hey mister, there’s a lizard by your foot.” For a guy that does not like bugs, spider, snakes and all creepy crawly creatures, this was not a comforting statement. I looked down and confirmed the little boys’ words. My heart rate jumped a few beats.

As the boy had finished his business, he decided to take a closer look, at the lizard silly. As he got closer to the lizard, the lizard started turning and inching towards my foot. Because I was somewhat temporarily detained by my situation, I could do nothing by hope that the lizard would change directions. A quick movement and it was gone. I think I may have said a short prayer to myself.

And then it happened. “Hey mister, the lizard went inside your pants!” Heart rate now skyrocketing, visualizing that the lizard had only one place to go, up. I had no choice but to do the only thing I could and without hesitation I threw my leg quickly out behind me and slightly to the right hoping that the lizard would shoot out due to the incredible thrust. It worked as a saw the lizard come flying out of my pants leg and shoot across the floor. What a relief.

“Hey mister, you stepped on his tail.” Now what, and I look down to see about 2 inches of lizard tail slithering back and forth like a recently killed snake. I continued to watch this site in horror while finishing up my business. Somehow I managed to keep breathing and not completely scream like a little girl.

The little boy had washed his hands and returned to see if the tail was still wiggling, which it was. As I washed my hands, I heard the man; the little boys Grandfather perhaps, ask him if he was going to pick up the tail. I wanted to scream NO, not only because it was a lizard tail, but also a lizard tail sitting beneath a urinal in a public restroom with who knows what on the floor. Luckily the boy lost interest in the tail and followed the man out of the restroom.

I regained my composure, walked to the car and after a minute repeated the story to Gerri, Eric and Robin. In between my tears of laughter (horror) we all got a huge laugh out of the little boy and the lizard in my pants. It wasn’t funny at the time, but continues to make me laugh now just thinking about it and how it would have sounded to someone sitting in one of the bathroom stalls.